


Shades of Grey

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance, post-episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-12
Updated: 2014-10-12
Packaged: 2018-02-20 18:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2438564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I used to be the black and white guy.  There was right, there was wrong, and there was little or nothing in between.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shades of Grey

**Author's Note:**

> This episode (Tabula Rasa) replayed Friday night on A & E. I had almost forgotten that _Criminal Minds_ used to be excellent. I love watching Hotch give it to that lawyer and I love that Emily wasn’t happy with some of the things they did to get this guy to remember his old crimes. It was worth writing about.

“Are you mad at me?”

“Why would you ask me that?”

“Well…”

“You know, George usually hates the smoke.” Emily said.

“I'm sorry?”

“George usually hates the smoke.” She held up her clove. “When I smoke he beats a hasty retreat but tonight he lays his head on my leg and wants attention.”

“Cats sense their owner’s moods. Maybe George thought you could use a little affection. Abyssinians are more affectionate than your average species of feline.”

“I didn’t know you were a cat person.”

“You told me that, Emily.”

“Oh.” She took a deep breath before taking another drag of the black cherry vanilla clove. “Yeah, I should've known.”

Hotch wanted to ask her what that was supposed to mean but if she was upset with him maybe she wanted to pick a fight. That wasn’t usually Emily’s way but that didn’t mean it wasn’t possible. She was upset, against the “brain printing” and the trauma it put Matloff through. Hotch wasn’t exactly one to be sympathetic to most Unsubs, particularly when he had three murders under his belt and probably more. But in the end he also thought the brain printing wasn’t the best idea.

The evidence led them rather quickly to Nina Moore, who had the smoking gun. She was the recipient of the trophies that Matloff took from his victims. It would’ve proven that he was the Blue Ridge Strangler whether he ever got his memory back or not. The courts weren't going to convict him for who he’d become but what he’d done in his past.

Maybe if he hadn't remembered his prior acts then there wouldn’t be a fourth victim tonight recovering in the hospital. Hotch didn’t know. He did know that you couldn’t turn back time. He was just glad Matloff was behind bars and would never get out. If he spent too much time thinking about the things he regretted he would’ve stopped doing this job a long time ago.

“You didn’t think the brain printing was a good idea.” He said.

“I don’t know if it was a good idea or not, Hotch. Brian Matloff was a killer and he surely deserves to be where he is tonight. I feel safer without him on the streets. And maybe he deserves to live with the constant nightmares of what he did to his victims. I just don’t necessarily think that all technology is a good thing.”

“I can agree with that.”

“I wasn’t asking you to agree.”

“I know; I just…” he stopped. Sighing, Hotch sat down on the couch with her. He wanted to reach out but instead just petted George. The cat wasn’t one to turn down affection. Emily, on the other hand, could go either way. He didn’t want to come back with claw marks. “I see so much more grey than I used to.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, picking up her teacup and drinking.

“I used to be the black and white guy. There was right, there was wrong, and there was little or nothing in between. Now…”

Emily wanted to say welcome to the real world. It would’ve been a true statement but cruel nonetheless. So she didn’t say anything. This had been a tough case; a lot of them were. Hotch hadn't done anything wrong. He just did his job and he did it well. Because of him there was a woman out there who was alive.

“It’s late, and soon there’ll be another case to keep you awake at night.” Emily said. “Don’t think about it anymore.”

“I don’t like the idea of you being mad at me.”

“I never said I was. Look, I disagreed with the brain printing. I personally believe that without it he may have never remembered those crimes. At the same time he was still a serial murderer and I sure as hell didn’t want him walking amongst us. It’s our job to stop them, and we stopped Brian Matloff. That’s it; that’s all I want to think about. And I don’t want to focus on any of it.”

She stubbed out the clove and petted her cat’s head. George purred, craning his head into her hand. Hotch reached out to pet him too and soon their hands were touching each other’s and George. He was in heaven. Emily just smiled.

“You couldn’t sleep?” she asked.

“I wanted you with me. I don’t like sleeping alone…no, I don’t like sleeping without you.”

Emily appreciated the clarification. Hotch could sleep with anyone he wanted to. He could even go home and sleep with his wife. Except now the papers were signed, Haley wasn’t his wife anymore, and this was becoming something more.

This wasn’t just warm bodies and fears of being alone. It had probably passed that point before the uncontested divorce papers showed up. But it didn’t matter when it passed only that it had. And while it was still far from something stable enough for Emily to walk on without falling into one of the many bottomless pits that scattered the landscape, she was getting much better at not falling in.

“I'm not sleepy.”

“We don’t have to sleep.” Hotch replied.

A smile flashed over Emily’s face before she lit another clove. George still didn’t move so she petted his head some more. Another thing her mother had been right about…he could lower her stress levels. Of course that was when he wasn’t jumping on her counter or rifling through her hamper and throwing her underwear all over the place. Emily came home to trails of panties more times than she could count. Right now she was willing to forgive him.

“You want some distance?” he asked. “I could go if…”

“Hotch you need to get some sleep. Go upstairs and do that; I’ll join you in a little while.”

“This isn’t about me you know. I'm not down here just trying to get you in bed. I want to make sure you're OK.”

“C'mere.” She couldn’t help but kiss him. Even when Emily wanted to kill him she still loved him so much. “I'm OK. I just need some quiet, this clove, and my cat. But when I come upstairs I’ll need you to hold me. I'm just not ready yet.”

He nodded, kissing her again. There was no sense in pushing her, she didn’t deserve that. The case brought up a lot of feelings for everyone involved. Nothing about it was black and white…so many questions would be left unanswered. Hotch could live with that, he had to. He just didn’t want to walk away if Emily needed him.

That’s what put him on the other side of the door where his wife and son lived. He would never lose another person he loved because he missed something. He couldn’t lose Emily. Hotch stood from the couch. He didn’t want to walk away but he knew it was the best thing to do right now. She would come to bed eventually and he would be there. Emily wanted him to be there.

“I love you, Emily.”

“I love you too. Sweet dreams.”

“I doubt I’ll sleep but I’ll leave you alone for a while.”

Hotch leaned down to kiss her forehead and then went up her stairs. Emily relaxed on the couch and took a deep breath. It was getting late, truth be told all she wanted was to sleep in his arms. Something was keeping her up and she wasn’t sure what. Ever since her return to the BAU things had been different. No, they’d been different since Erin Strauss cornered her and told her that she was going to bring down Hotch and Gideon or her career was as good as over.

She still had her career, and her team was becoming even more like family. Something was off though. If Emily could put her finger on what maybe she could sleep. She’d been in love with Aaron Hotchner almost from the moment she laid eyes on him. Leave it to her to fall for a married man who was less than kind to her.

It wouldn’t be the first time. Still, their relationship changed way before she started sleeping with him. After she found out Erin Strauss’ grand plan she saw that Hotch, and even Gideon to a point, had been right holding her at arm’s length for a reason. That was over now though…she was a real and trusted member of the BAU. She was also Aaron Hotchner’s lover. That muddled things that weren't muddled when he used to go home to Haley at night.

Falling in love, trying to build a relationship and a future, wasn’t easy when working side by side. And he wasn’t just a teammate like Morgan and Reid, he was her boss. He was everyone’s boss and Hotch’s job was a top priority for him. Now more so than ever he put everything into the BAU. It wasn’t all he had though, he had her. He had her and she was fully committed.

She stubbed out her cigarette and just stopped thinking. The day was over; Emily needed to end it properly. All the nights she’d spent alone, looking up at the ceiling, looking over at George…she didn’t have to do that tonight. Someone was waiting upstairs for her. He was someone who loved her and whom she loved. That should be all that mattered right now. No matter how hard she had to try, Emily was going to make it all that mattered.

“Goodnight, bud.” She gave George a final pat on the head and headed up to bed.

***

  



End file.
